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Tuesday, March 8, 2016

I don’t want to be strong today

I don’t want to be strong today.
I’ve spent a lot of days being strong lately.
But, today, I don’t want to be strong.

I want to stare and wonder.
There’s nothing in particular I want to wonder about.
I just want to feel the wind and breath.

Today, I want my body for me; to rest. 
I don’t want to carry others. 
I only want to carry me.
When my back bends and moves, I don’t want to feel any strain. 
I only want to feel its support holding me up.  
I don’t want to talk. 
I only want to listen to gentle poetic music. 
I don’t want to save anyone.  
I don’t want to dream and create.
I only want to live under the gray sky and feel the most gentle drops of rain fall on my skin.

Today, I’m tired of change. 
I don’t want to grow.
I don’t want to be challenged. 
I don’t want to prepare.
I don’t want to be strong.
I only want to hold my baby and smell his skin and listen to him breath.
Today, I will let my baby hold me. 

Hold me baby, because I almost lost you and I need your constant presence to remind me everything is alright. 

Baby, today be determined for the both of us.
Be strong. 
Challenge yourself and let me watch how its done.
Because baby, your strong everyday.
Save me through your tired smile.
I only want to hear you.
Let me kiss your soft skin and hold you while you sleep.

Please hold me, baby. 

Please hold me because I dont' want to be strong today.

Heading home from the ER after our baby had a febrile seizure. Canyon had a spike in fever and was not responding. In the ambulance he started having a seizure. The Dr. said this is very common when a baby's fever spikes. I had given him a bath to lower his temperature and that's when he stopped responding. Eyes glared over, skin turned blue, nonresponsive. I gave CPR while Derek called 911. The ambulance arrived right away and Derek gave him a blessing. In the ambulance, his seizure became worse and his temperature dropped. He felt ice cold. When we arrived at the hospital his seizure was pretty strong. They had to help him with oxygen and helped so he wouldn't swallow his tongue. The doctor is very optimistic Canyon will be fine with no long-term side effects. We love all of you and appreciate your prayers.
 — at Cardons Children's Hospital.

Thank you everyone for all your prayers and love for Canyon. This is where we are at: we have a very cranky baby with all the symptoms of the flu and still disoriented but pulling through like a trooper. If he's not in my arms he better be in somebody else's or he's not happy, but we'll take it. Our family experienced a true miracle and we are so thankful to a loving father in heaven who healed our son. #championbaby #likeachamp #poorbaby#miraclebaby


  1. As a mom who has a child who has experienced multiple seizures in the last two weeks, my heart weeps with yours. I am humbled at the true love of our Savior and His healing power to calm a troubled heart. May your son continue to heal.

  2. Praying for you for healing, strength and peace. Blessings.

  3. scary scary thing to happen , prayers sent