Through out my life I’ve
struggled to lose weight, but looking back I see weight loss wasn’t my
problem. It was body image.
Look at me on my wedding
day.
Sorry, I just had to throw this one in for fun!
But, seriously, should this beautiful bride be
worried about how fat she is?
But I was. Although beautiful and meaningful, much of my
wedding day was dominated by negative thoughts in my mind about my body and
appearance.
Once I started having
children, I really did need to lose weight but the negative thoughts in my
mind, the “you can’t do it” or “start tomorrow” made it impossible to lose
weight permanently. Through the years, I
developed a food addiction where I needed to eat what I wanted, when I wanted
or I wasn’t happy.
In 2010, after I had my fifth child.
I remember years early
staring in the mirror, shocked by my appearance. I said to my loving husband, “The fat girl I
see in the mirror is not the real me.
The girl I see in my mind is stuck behind all the fat. Why can’t I get her to come out?’
Throughout my life, dieting
had been a game for losers. I would pity myself, convinced going without
certain foods was too hard; as if something awful was really happening to
me.
Diets made me self-absorbed.
Dieting was an ungrateful
delusion. “Poor me, I have to eat salad
and sweet potatoes and asparagus when what I really want is cookie dough.”
What was that? There wasn’t a single thing about that
situation that should have made me feel sorry for myself. My body was screaming for healthy food, but
my emotional cravings were begging to be fed too. Wrapped up in pride and personal sabotage, my
emotional cravings convinced me I was only in charge if I gave into every impulse at any time. “That’s freedom, that’s the dream,” my self-absorbed self
said.
When did I learn I could only
be happy with no restrictions ever? That
certainly wasn’t God’s plan. He gave
commandments to keep His children safe.
What about food commandments?
Food had become my false idol.
The results were my body carrying 60 extra pounds. My poor meager inability to solve this
problem made me a victim.
As a victim I had a “get out of jail
free” card.
I had every justifiable
excuse in the book. It was Christmas, it
was my birthday, we were on vacation, other people ate what they wanted, my
metabolism was off, I’d just had a baby and on and on and on.
Procrastination sped up time. I felt constantly rushed and irritable.
I was putting off the
inevitable, forcing myself to live outside today and into tomorrow. As the victim I lost hope, but what if the
victim and the perpetrator were the same person? We see this scenario manifest itself all the
time in self-defeating behavior. That
was me, victim and perpetrator; hence the inner dialogue I couldn’t seem to
escape. If my perverted thinking wasn’t
from God, where did it from? What was
the root of fear, doubt and delusion? It
certainly couldn’t grow from faith and love when I decided to study the 40-day
fast of Jesus Christ.
After Jesus was baptized, he
went into the wilderness to fast and prepare for His mission. Alone, he fasted for 40 days and 40
nights.
I thought about the “alone-ness”
of fasting as it could be a very lonely experience. At times I could feel the world spinning and
moving around me, yet I wasn’t participating.
Without the tastes of the world on my tongue, I felt on the sidelines
watching the game. Without food, much of
the goodness of the earth could not be experienced. On the other hand, fasting allowed the
understanding of “being in the world but not of the world.” At times, I felt elevated. The normal cares of my life – being upset over
meaningless things seemed silly to what others were experiencing. Those who
went without food were present in my mind. No longer did I feel impulses to
self-indulge and satisfy my every desire when those around me were suffering. Being lonely also allowed for
self-revelation. Near the end of his
fast, Satan came to tempt Jesus. The
Savior’s body was weak but his spirit was mighty.
The first thing Satan tempted Jesus to do was
turn stones into bread. Satan was a fool
for thinking something so temporal could remotely tempt Christ. Jesus said “Man shall not live by bread
alone, but by the word of God.” When the
spirit carried Jesus to the top of the temple, Satan tempted Jesus to jump and
call on the angels of heaven to catch him.
Jesus told Satan not to tempt the Son of God. Jesus was a master of the fast, He knew who
He was but Satan tried again to tempt him.
When Jesus was a top a mountain overlooking all the lands and people of
the earth Satan tried to convince Jesus to worship him by promising Him all the
power of the world. Really, did Satan
think Jesus would even care about what he had to offer? Satan was a liar. I considered the lies Satan had feed me. He had controlled me for too long. Just as Jesus had showed, Satan could have no
power over me unless I believed him; unless I allowed it.
During my 30-day fast, I
learned to break the chains of deception I’d convinced myself were true. I could do this. I could have food commandments and limit what
I put in my body. I was in control. God had made my body perfect and I needed to
be grateful for it.
After 30 days of fasting, I lost 12 pounds.
I have
now been practicing intermittent fasting for 50 days and will not weigh myself again until my next 30-day milestone. I skip breakfast and lunch and eat dinner at 4:00pm. I drink plenty of fluids too and have no food
restrictions after my fast. More important than my weight-loss, I marvel at the things I’ve learned about myself, food and my relationship with God. I pray for those in need and turn to God for help and instruction. I’ve never felt more like a daddy’s
girl. Truly, we are children of God and
I know it like I’ve never understood before.
How did I learn to stop
shaming food?
How did I survive the hunger?
Did I incorporate exercise?
How is fasting not only
physical, but spiritual?
How long do I plan to fast?
These, and more are topics I
will answer in the upcoming blog posts. Writing
about this experience has been amazing. I
am currently seeking a publisher for my memoir:
Nice story with a happy ending, Laura. I do hope that you can keep the weight loss. I will pray for that.
ReplyDeleteWhen I had my knee surgery I lost 20 pounds, perhaps from missing some meals. Does a human knee joint weigh 20 pounds more than the titanium and glue and plastic?
But I have only been able to keep ten pounds off in these last four years.
..
Trust in yourself and love the 'body temple' and day by day ~ all will be well ~ Congrats on the weight loss ~ and continue moving forwards ~ lots of prayers, love and distant reiki healing energy to spur you on your way to what you want for a 'body image' ~
ReplyDeleteHappy Week to you ~ ^_^
Congratulations for finding a program that works for you. Best wishes to you!
ReplyDeleteGood for you. Congratulations on finding the key to your success. I hope you find a publisher because you are a very good writer with a story to tell.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your thoughts and insights on intermittent fasting. I check daily to see if you have written a new post. you are truly gifted in your writing abliity. Thanks again for sharing
ReplyDeleteAn excellent share. I am always trying to take off some weight. It is such a process. But when I can walk and exercise in other ways I can eat what I want. Recently I was feeling so poorly with this head cold but hungry all the time so I ate donuts and of course, all that sugar gave me a bad headache. It is hard to deal with our bodies but we think of them as temple from the Lord we seem to take better care of them. Your share was very concise and I will be praying for you and hope you can continue on this health track. Take care. xo
ReplyDeleteOh, my dear, dear girl!
ReplyDeleteIt was so lovely to open this link and find you waiting for me.
I'm just smiling like crazy to see you again.
You are beautiful. At your wedding, last week, last year and today.
Your heart shines like a beacon in a world of bland carbon copies.
I understand the body image issues.
It's so strange, though, because you never hear men lamented how they look...or at least not very often.
I'm glad you found freedom from food through fasting. (Hmmm. Perhaps a little too much alliteration there!!!)(
Anything that helps you recognize the person that everyone around you sees you as is a good thing.
Thank you for the heart warming smile and for warming my heart on week 15.
I am beyond happy to see you again!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
I love you Jenny. I need to come see you. I'm so happy you're my friend. The instant I met you, you became a part of my heart.
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