One thing that’s harder then having a baby is not having a baby.
And that’s exactly what I did last year.
I did not have a baby.
But, it’s not for lack of trying.
Let me tell you how it went.
The very minute I felt like I could handler my brew, all my chick-a-dees, my mini-me’s (I think my baby girl
was two years old, 10 months and 13 days) I said to the counselor “Wow! I think I finally came up for air.” And I breathed in real deep to demonstrate
just how much air my lungs could handle.
He didn’t understand this little life metaphor either, so I rephrased it as: “I think I can finally handle another kid. What do you think? Let’s have another baby.”
And if you know the counselor, he’d walk into a Turkish prison with me – for life! I don’t know why he loves me this much, but he does.
Anyway, the counselor and I want six kids. It’s not just a number; it’s what we’ve dreamed about since back in the day - when we were dating.
I’m not sure I’ve told you the story.
Here’s the story.
When the counselor and I were dating, we had a conversation one night that went like this:
Counselor: “How many kids do you want?”
Me: “I don't know. How many do you want?”
Ok, I have to interject here because do you really think I wasn’t sure how many kids I wanted! I’m Mormon! I’ve been dreaming, journaling, goaling and praying for 12 kids since I can remember; however, when I was about 18 years-old I decided 12 kids (6 boys and 6 girls) might be a little much, so I cut it down to 6. 6 seemed doable; however, I didn’t want to tell the counselor I wanted 6 kids. What if I scared him off? Maybe he wanted 2 and I wanted 6 and we’d decide we weren't compatible. I already loved him, so I wasn’t about to do that!
Back to the conversation.
Counselor: “I don’t know, maybe two?”
It’s me again, making the point that I was right! I knew I shouldn’t tell him I wanted 6 kids. We weren’t even engaged at this point; just crazy love birds living for the next time we were able to run into each others arms. I hadn’t met his parents. I didn’t know if he’d even want a pet dog. We’d never done our laundry together. The last thing I needed to do was tell him I wanted 6 kids, but something deep down told me if he couldn’t handle the idea of 6 kids then I needed to know. I had to be honest.
Me: “I want six kids.”
Counselor: “Me too.”
It went just like that and he took me in his arms and gave me the biggest hug of my life. I don’t know how this man does it, but time and time again he makes all my dreams come true.
Back to last year – 2013 – the year I didn’t get pregnant with our 6th baby and it was tough. I grew emotionally then digressed and I was reborn spiritually, but then I died a bit inside. I tried to live in the now while praying for tomorrow. Some days I cried my eyes out while other days I was relieved (and then I just felt guilty because why would God send a baby to me when I wasn’t even sure I could handle the five I already had).
In the end, well, I don’t know if it is the end of baby’s and lactating and maternity clothes, but I sure do appreciate more those precious five of mine and the man who went from 2 to 6, but for now is stuck with 5.