My Brother Sam Gets Married

It’s not every day I’m asked to climb a top a mountain, hide behind a tree and film a surprise engagement, but that’s exactly what my younger brother Sam asked me to do.  A 12-year gap hadn’t changed the fact we’d been best friends since he was born and considering I’d do just about anything for him, I quickly figure out how I can make this happen.  Since having my sixth kid I’m a bit out of shape, but how hard can hiking a mountain be? 

“It’s not a mountain, it’s a hill,” my husband says as I tell him the plans.  Brown Mountain is less then half a mile to the top and ascends only 300 ft..

“Fine, a hill,” I respond before placing a kiss on his lips. 

 Whether it’s a mountain or a hill, I put on my running shoes and workout clothes.  Last minute, my oldest son Chandler asks if he can come to help out.  Looks like Sam will have a film crew of two hiding on top of the mountain for this momentous occasion.

We’re supposed to leave at 5:00pm, but Sam’s waiting to pick up the ring, which had been sized over the weekend.  Like a specialized doctor, I finally get the call.

“Can you come down to Mom and Dad’s to see the ring first?” he asks and the excitement in his voice barrels me over.

I’ve lived on the same street as my parents for seventeen years, so I race out the front door and within two minutes, I’m standing in my mom’s kitchen staring at the beautiful diamond in Sam’s hand. 

“It’s gorgeous. Sasha will love it” I say a bit in awe at what my brother is about to do.  He has met the most wonderful girl and she will soon be his wife. 

“Thanks,” he says nervously.  “The sun’s about to set and the timing is perfect,” and I know he’s implying more then just the setting sun. It was only a few months ago he was contemplating returning out-of-state for college.  Should he stay in Arizona and build up his business of teaching tennis or finish up his teaching degree in Idaho?  Our parents had been living in London, so when he needed someone to talk to, he came to me.  Truth was, we went to each other most of the time when making big-life decisions and sometimes when just wondering what to have for lunch.  That’s just how our relationship was.

    I’d never seen Sam more nervous.  He’s already changed his shirt twice.  Before Sasha his hair had been a jet-black Afro of frizz, but thanks to her influence and styling advice, his newly- manageable hair had the curls and waves of a movie star. Just as I’m about to leave, I spot two metal basket in Sam’s car. Each holds about 100 tennis balls. As a tennis coach, these are his teaching tools and they’ve followed him around for years. That’s when I have an idea and place the metal baskets of tennis balls in my car.

I’d seen Brown Mountain while driving out to my older sister’s house.  It’s about as sparse as most desert mountain tops – nothing but a gnarly bush or spiked cactus in sight.  I imagine Chandler and I wearing detective coats, a baseball cap and shades –  hiding behind the slender branches of the creosote bush.  It just wouldn’t do, but for Sam we would find a way.  There must be some where to hide on top of an Arizona mountain.

Chandler and I arrive at the bottom of Brown Mountain and park our car.  I open my door to a gust of wind and the cool March air washes over me.  I’m so glad Chandler has joined me.  He’s seventeen and I want him to witness such a momentous moment for a man.  I share my feelings with him about marriage, Sam and dating, but time is of the essence.  We needed to get to the top of that mountain.  Now, I was the one who was nervous.   

Chandler offered to carry both metal baskets, each containing about 50 tennis balls. I insisted I could carry one, of course, no big deal, but within minutes I’m winded.  

Several people passed me by.  Their puzzled looks suggested we might be up to trouble.  What type of person they must think me and my son to be – devious vandals who want to terrorize the community by throwing 100 tennis balls off the mountain.  One woman is so perplexed; I simply tell her what I’m doing. 

“My brother is a tennis pro and he’s proposing to his girlfriend tonight.  We’re spelling out her name with tennis balls.”

Instantly gone is the face of disdain and replaced is one of elation and excitement.  “Oh, that’s just wonderful.” 

See, I want to say, we’re not a menace to society after all, but I’m just amused at how silly we must look. 

Chandler’s steady pace is no match for my constant stops to catch my breath, but I take the time to take in all that’s happened over the last few months.  I can’t believe Sam is getting married.  I always knew he wanted to get married.  He’d turned thirty the year before and during his twenties, dated a few girls here and there, but with a heart as open and caring as his, dating hadn’t been easy. He struggled with self-doubt and it took someone like Sasha to point out the obvious – that he was a catch!

     

    

          Chandler and I found a small ledge off the mountain where we hid.  I didn’t want to be the girl on the evening news- being reported she fell 300 feet to her death while filming her brother’s engagement proposal. Chandler and I secured ourselves and thank heavens there was a small shrub and way-wind grass to hide behind, and we waited.  From where we were hiding, we could see when Sam and Sasha parked their car near the bottom of the mountain.  The hike to the top would take about 10 minutes.  Finally, they arrived.  There they were, this amazing couple. Sasha had spent the last several years of her life caring for her tender husband who suffered with bone cancer.  He died last year and Sasha was a widow and a single mom with three young children.  I couldn't imagine the heartache she'd lived through. Now, here she was.  Her and Sam had found each other. 
      I started filming and Chandler took pictures.  SASHA – her name was spelled out with the tennis balls and we’d placed a bouquet of a dozen roses in the metal basket.  We were too far away to hear anything, but recorded as Sam got on one knee, watched as Sasha said "Yes," Sam placed the ring on her finger and they kissed.  At this point, you can hear me on the recording crying.  After a few minutes, Chandler and I climbed out of our strange little hiding spot and surprised Sasha.

          Sam and Sasha were married in Hawaii.  

A week later, had a ring ceremony and reception at my house. 

I can’t quite put into words the joy, gratitude, shock and love I have felt during this experience.  Sam is that little boy I helped raise and now, he is the best husband and father in this blessed beautiful family. 

Sam with his daughter Cecily.

I love you Sam and Sasha.

30 Days of Kindness to My Husband And More

I wrote my memoir Starving Girl in 30 days.  I didn’t think it could be done, after all, I’d spent years and years writing my other books, many of which were still unfinished.  What was different about Starving Girl?  I created an exciting dramatic experience in my own life and the story line followed.  

The bottom line was I needed a challenge, presented in my day-to-day living.  Something big enough to inspire me into a new exciting reality.  With that in mind, I started on my next 30-day challenge.  Why 30 days?  Because 30 days is a good base number to form a new habit. (Read here for more ideas about that). 30 Days of Kindness to My Husband was born. 

Like my first 30 days of fasting, 30 Days of Kindness to My Husband was thrilling, but the story behind it was more subtle than 30 days of fasting.  It started first with intention and in a beautiful dance of will, my actions followed.  From day one, I say my husband Derek different.  He was my focus and like a flame in the darkness, I became more aware of his presence.  My every day actions became more narrowed on him.  Before, I’d rush through conversations, a sort of “Get to the point,” perspective.  After all, I’m a busy girl and if I allowed it, our dialogue could be all business:  What are the kid’s schedules?  Who’s picking which kid up where?  Did you call the plumber?  Did you see where I put my shoes?  A marriage should not be a business partnership, even if only for moments at a time.

My husband is such a gift.  In a world full of ill intended, even arrogant men, he is a serving, loving, adorable gem.  I didn’t mean to take him for granted, but I did.  So how did writing keep me on task to change my habits?

It started with my wedding photos.  I pulled out my wedding album and randomly started looking at us.  This was going to be fun.

During my 30 Days of Kindness to My Husband, I found clues everywhere suggesting I could do better as a wife and kept mental notes.  So many aspects of me had slipped, including my patience.  Quick wit could be one of my literal gifts, but over the years it had turned into unintended insults and my tongue snapped like fingers at a jazz concert.  I didn’t mean to be so opinionated, but wasn’t it obvious I knew better.  Small tasks like driving turned into me offering suggestions and pointing out discrepancies.  Just wanting to help was an unnecessary evil.  If I had not set my goal to put kindness first, I’m not sure I would have noticed Derek’s larger-the-life patience, his awareness of my needs, the children’s needs and the purposeful way he provides for our family.    

            I started to see the story everywhere because Derek and I were the story.  His voice became more pronounced and I noticed his deep tones.  One night, when he reached for my hand, I actually had butterflies in my stomach and it reminded me of the romance we’d experience while dating.  I started sending him texts like “I love you” and “Hurry home.”  Always full of compliments, Derek would tell me I’m beautiful and I actually started listening to him.  His words meant something and if he spoke it, I respected him.  After a week of this, I finally felt the pure joy of his compliments.  The words “You’re beautiful,” entered my mind with such love, I could feel my perspective shift.  I was becoming how he saw me.  

With little effort, but a great big thing called intention, I had changed so much.  I loved who I’d become.  My need to be heard and be right all the time had gone away.  In its place was more trust, patience and love. I was surrounded by goodness and practically tripping over my blessings.  Derek’s love for me was life-changing and it was about time I took notice.

The last weekend of the 30-day challenge, Derek was out of town and I missed him terribly.  I thought of those who have long-distance relationships or couples who live apart because of military service.  How did they do it?  Like while fasting, I kept myself busy with the baby and household projects.  That night, I put the baby on my bed to change him into his pajamas when I noticed it – a yellow rose on my pillow.  My story unfolded again and the depth of love in my life was almost more than I could handle.  Derek’s presence was everywhere and I took this beautiful symbol of love to heart.  I would never go back to who I was before the 30 Days of Kindness to My Husband.  Kindness was the gift that kept giving.  How was I going to keep up with all the love coming back to me?  Now that was a challenge I could handle. 

The last day of the 30 Days of Kindness to My Husband, I did something I hadn’t expected.  I said to Derek, “I’m sorry.”  With tears in my eyes, I asked for his forgiveness.  Like a giant teddy bear, he wrapped me up in his arms and told me that was unnecessary.  He didn’t need me to apologize.  I was his perfect wife and he saw me for all the good I was.  Even still, I needed to say it and now, I’m on a new, fresh path in my relationship with my man.  

Now, in this world of girl-power and modern-day feminism, I’m sure somebody could read about my experience and deem me subservient and passive, but let me assure you this is not the case.  Girl power is wonderful, but not when used to dominate.  Feminism is important, but there is still a certain grace we as women carry that needs to be accentuated, not squandered. 

For the last ten years, Derek has taken me on a date almost every weekend.

The truth is, being a writer I've create worlds and stories in my mind, but living out these experiences, even these challenges is something I’m just now realizing I can be doing all the time.  I have loved the new windows of exploration, the journaling and watching the story unfold.  My next 30-day challenge, 30 Days of Service Toward My Children.  During Christmas time, this is going to be uniquely special.  I can hardly wait to get started.   Who’s with me?  

Marital Conflicts and My EBay Disappointments of the Week

The counselor and I have three distinct conflicts in our marriage. I don't mind sharing, because I'm willing to change at least one of them.

First, he is a University of Arizona graduate and totally nuts, like practically religious about his college.

I, on the other hand, am an Arizona State graduate. I remain calm and in control when I drive past the campus or hear the ASU fight song.

I don’t sing my University fight song as a lullaby to our babies the first day they’re born the way the counselor does. I rarely wear ASU t-shirts or clothing. I’m way too mature for silly things like that, but hey, that’s what a great education gets you. The counselor on the other hand is usually decked out in some sort of U of A jersey or sweatshirt (most likely something I picked up at $1.00 day at Goodwill). You might be thinking “What’s the problem, Laura?”

The marital conflict arises when he rubs in a U of A win over ASU, say in basketball or football. Honestly, I don’t care who wins, but if he pushes it enough, I fight back with a whammy. Something like “Who really cares?”

Yeah . . . I’m that mean.

And he might say something like “You’re just jealous because ASU lost.”

Then we kiss and make up.

The wildcat and sun devil live happily ever after.

Our second conflict has lightened up over the years, but can still be a source of contention. The problem is cookies.

Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

I make them often, like every day. My home has a revolving door. I have company all day long, children, friends, family, neighbors and I love to hand out cookies. How can I have a guest in my home and not have something to share? So the conflict comes in two fold. First of all, I rarely have cookies left by the time the counselor arrives home later in the day. He sees the empty baking bowl where amazing fluffy dough once was. He’s a witness to the dirty cookie sheet, but the cookies. Where are they? All gone! Given away to loved ones. Sorry, honey. But when I do have cookies left for him, he likes them chewy. I tend to overcook things in general (probably because I’m chasing a naked kid down the street or something like that), so my cookies usually turn out crunchy. I’m trying honey, and I’ll get it right. Just stick with me for another 12 years and you’ll get your chewy cookies.

So with all this going on, what could possibly be the third marital conflict that burdens are usual happy hearts? It’s EBay! This conflict is a matter of poor organization on my part. I’ve been doing EBay for 6 years now. I have almost 4,000 positive feedbacks and close to 10,000 sales. My problem is storage. Where in the world do I keep all these clothes (name-brand, I might add)? Well, much to the counselor’s dissatisfaction, I’ve kept them in a pile in the back of our bedroom.

How did this all start? I live in a house with mostly tile, except for our bedroom. The last thing I want to do before I take my EBay pictures for the week is sweep and mop a clean corner of the home, so I simply vacuum our bedroom carpet and take the pictures in there. At this point, clothes (super cute & name-brand, mind you) are all over the room and taking up space. The mess freaks the counselor out.

I remind him that I make money doing this; that it’s all for a good cause and I’ll have it cleaned up in no time. But the reality is that EBay pile has been sitting there for almost year. I filter out the old and bring in the new, but the pile remains in the corner.

Now, the counselor is a patient man. He didn’t complain when I accidently shipped his expensive camera to a friend of mine in Utah (I thought it was hers). He didn’t get upset when I spilled an entire bucket of yellow paint on our newly tiled floor. Actually, I was the one who cried while I watched him clean it up. And he certainly was understanding when I ate the meal he ordered at Costa Vita instead of mine (I loved your chicken nachos with mango salsa, thanks honey). So, I have finally taken his complaint to heart. I vow to clean up the EBay pile in our bedroom and move it out to the garage.

This I do for love, for marriage, for happiness.

Now, if I can just find a place in the garage.

My EBay disappointments of the week would fit perfectly here, wouldn’t they? So, let’s do it!

I found this gorgeous just dry-cleaned and pressed Northern Isle Men's XXL Blue dress shirt at Goodwill on $1.00 day.

Of course, it was for the counselor, but when he tried it on, he noticed one distinct problem.

The counselor does not for see working at Thrifty anytime soon, so this one is going back to Goodwill.

You may remember my good luck with this US Army military vest. I found it at a yard sale and paid $1.00 for it. Later, it sold on EBay for $9.99.

So, I thought I'd try this military jacket on EBay, certain it'd be a huge hit. I've posted it three weeks in a row and it finally sold for $7.99. Between the $1.00 I paid for the jacket, my EBay & paypal fees and overall annoyance, I'm certain I barely broke even.

These Gap Size 16 NWT pants sold for $9.99. They are really lovely and I shipped them right away. So why did I receive dissatisfactory feeback?

The customer didn't like the color. I wonder why she didn't consider the color when she looked at the picture and decided to purchase them?

Lastly, I've found amazing blazers throughout the years, but for some reason they don't sell well on EBay. Sure, it can be hit and miss, but overall, I think woman like to try blazers on before purchasing them. Or maybe they are looking for a perfect match for the business suit. Either way, this lot of 2 beautiful Ann Taylor blazers haven't for two weeks straight, even at $9.99.

I already have two huge bags of clothes to donate to the Garrett Tanner Benefit Yard Sale. Hope to see you and your donations there this Saturday.