A Former Food Addict Deals with Life Today

The last couple of days have been devastating.  My heart is breaking for those in Las Vegas who have lost their life and for those who are suffering. The images are like from a nightmare. Where do we go from here?

On Friday, it was suspected a little girl from Mesa was kidnapped.  Derek and I were horrified – the little girl was just a year older than our own daughter. Eden slept in our bed and I was up off and on worried sick.  What had happened to the girl?  Where was she?  What unspeakables was she experiencing?  She was found the next morning wondering the street by her school. We were all relived, but still, the night had been full of worry, prayers and tears. Many questions are left unanswered.

Houston, Florida and Puerto Rico, my prayers have been heartfelt for those who have been affected. There is so much going on in the world and at the moment, I’m not sure how to cope.

My baby hit the terrible two’s and I have a broken back-door screen, a red-stained area rug and countless sleepless nights as evidence.  He has been potty-trained for a few months, but for some reason has decided to unpotty-train himself. In the meantime, you may not see any long drawn out blog posts on my darling boy and don’t be surprised by the links on disciplining a two-year old that appear on my Facebook feed. I turned 45 last week and with a bit of help from Canyon and my other kids, I feel my age!

Basketball galore around here lately.  Chandler and Payson are in a church league and Mayer's jr. high team won the city championships.

The on/off switch on my computer is broken and I can’t turn my computer on. This is the final stray.  This is what finally broke me and now I’m dealing with the guilt of feeling shallow and selfish. With all that is going on in the world, I’m feeling sorry for myself because my computer is broken.  I just want to eat something with sugar, chocolate and butter.

Food – this has been my coping mechanism my entire life and now it’s not.  It can’t be.  I won’t allow it.  I’m fighting an emotional battle over here and if food was a weapon, I would need a license to register  the chocolate chip cookie dough I’m dying to eat.  In my home, chocolate chip cookie dough should be banned for life.  I’m pacing, looking for anything to be a distraction so I don’t go lethal on a bag of chocolate chips. I have sugar-free chocolate chips, but at this moment of crisis, they just won’t do.

In the past, I’ve turned to food.

Chocolate cookies

Frozen yogurt

Chips and salsa

These would do the trick about now.

Even with all my hard work to eat healthy and remain sugar-free, I’m still a food addict and I wonder if I always will be. Without the escape of food, I can’t seem to find much relief from the stress I’m under.  I know a lot of people use alcohol and drugs to cope with their own pain, whether it be emotional, physical or environmental.  It’s hard to feel and to remain present in a world that has so much evil and uncertainty.

Reef is home from school.  He suffered a heat stroke this weekend and was in the hospital Sunday night with an IV.  

Once he was hydrated, they sent us home, but he’s still very weak and sleeping a lot.  I’ve spent some precious time cuddled up with him.  This kid is a rock.  He’s very affectionate and always has a positive attitude.  I am experiencing a bit of cabin fever, another component that reminds me how much of an escape food can be.

Remember when my wood floors flooded a couple of months ago.  The contractor starts next week and the floors will be ripped out.  The damaged cabinets are going too. I spent most of yesterday cleaning out my kitchen cupboards and relocating food, dishes and such because we’ll be without use of a kitchen for a while.  My house is turned upside down. 

I have several friends and family members going through major life issues. I cry when they cry, I worry and feel deeply for their welfare.

I’m praying.  Reef and I read from the scriptures about Jesus and His unconditional love for the world.  I’m keeping busy the best I can, but those old habits of turning to food for comfort are knocking at the door today.  I just need to know everything is going to be all right, but I’m not sure if anyone can offer such words.  I will carry on the best I know how.  I will remain strong and not let food take over my life.  I will allow myself to feel whatever I need to feel.  I will not block it with eating excess amounts of food.  I will learn to be more empathetic to others. I will turn to God and pray for those who are dealing with issues of life and death. I am a food addict, but hopefully, not forever.

This is how I found Reef and Eden sleeping on Monday morning.  

Worried about the little girl being kidnapped and Reef just out of the hospital, these two are not letting each other go.  There were not yet aware off the tragedy in Las Vegas, but their display of sibling love was most touching.