I didn't think I could do this, but I'm doing this!

I had my fifth child Eden when I was 37.  The counselor and I always wanted six kids and I wanted to be pregnant with our last baby before I turned 40.  We never had a problem getting pregnant before, but pregnancy didn’t happen at 39 or 40.  This was a very difficult time for me.  I tried to move forward with goals – both personal and for our family, but every time I did I felt stuck.  In some ways I felt guilty for not being able to have another baby.  Was it something I was doing wrong?  That’s when I started down a somewhat destructive path.  I assumed I wasn’t having another baby because my loving Father in Heaven, who knows all, didn’t think I could handle it.

I remembered nights of getting up with sick children or days of trying to make our family budget work.  Yes, this is why we were not meant to have another child.  I had health issues and struggles with helping my kids keep up with school work and activities.  I’m horribly unorganized with scouts (something all my boys participate in), it was difficult keeping the house clean and we’d need a bigger car.  Were these the reasons I wasn’t getting pregnant?  

I did my best to trust in God.  Was this what He wanted?  I started looking at other times in my life when something good I wanted didn’t come easy.  I remembered when I came home from my mission.  I had little money and no car.  I wanted to start my junior year at ASU, but circumstances seemed to say “No.” With the odds against me, I could have said “Well, since God hasn’t provided the resources, I guess I can’t go to school.”  Instead, I took out a student loan and rode the city bus to campus.  I worked as a nanny for a family with a newborn and was able to keep up with my studies while earning a decent salary.  By the end of my first semester, I was offered a full-ride academic scholarship.  My dad purchased a $300 car from a friend who owned a golf course and gave it to me.  This little Nissan hatchback had a section of the floor cut out to attach the handle of a rake-like device used to pick up golf balls on the shooting range.  The roof had a hole in it for a sky light so golf balls could be seen and collected at night.  (Man, I wish I had a picture of this car!)  The air-conditioner didn’t work, nor did the radio.  The stick shift had been put in backwards, so reverse was where 1^st gear should be and 1^st gear was stuck in the reverse position.  I drove this car back and forth from Mesa to Tempe that entire year.  True, I had to stop most commutes to add water to the radiator because of overheating, but it was my car.  I learned to love that car and nicknamed it 'The Cadillac'. I think back on that experience time and time again.  What if discouragement and difficult circumstances would have kept me from obtaining a college degree! 

So, I couldn’t give up on what my heart was telling me about this next child.  Deep down I knew – I just knew there was one more baby.  At times I buckled under the pressure and discouragement set it.  I learned the difficult lesson that even when we have good desires and intentions, we may not have the opportunity to follow through with them.  Some things are out of our control.

I bounced around from gratitude to discouragement.  Grateful for my five beautiful children – their health and strong minds, their goodness and unique talents.  Wow!  I had five amazing and really fun (sometimes crazy) children.  

Why wasn’t that enough for me?  Enter discouragement.  Why was I not meant to have this one more baby I desired?  Was I ready to have all my children in school?  Was this phase of toddlers and preschoolers really over? Did I just need to grow up?

After I turned 41, I started accepting our family might be complete.  We had an amazing summer.  I ran and played on the beach.  

I loved my ability to move my body, free of baby weight from the past.  I played tennis with my boys, we hiked and took family bike rides.  Maybe this wasn’t so bad.  My children were growing up and with Eden at the age of three, then four we had so much independence.  

No longer was a stroller needed, diaper bags and bottles.  We could all participate in adventures. 

I didn’t need to stay back with a napping child.  This could work.  I still had the ache in the back of my mind, but there was nothing more I could do about it.  Life was too beautiful.

It was at this content place of no more questioning, no more worrying and acceptance that I found out I was pregnant.  How ironic is that!  Interesting - something I’d wanted for so long just didn’t quite fit into my busy life anymore.  I’ve had to do some self-evaluating.  I’ve had to rearrange certain priorities for others.  In some ways, I’ve been tested/blessed on both ends of the spectrum.  Heartache of years while trying to get pregnant only to reshuffle and question my life path to make room for one more.

As women, we all make sacrifices.  Mothering certainly isn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever done, but by far the most meaningful.  I never knew my heart had such capacity to love and experience joy.  As woman we do all we can to fulfill our purpose to love and nurture others.  Some of us have children while others do not.  Some of us want for children we cannot have while others struggle with an unwanted pregnancy.  I think what I’ve learned is it’s all in how we handle what comes our way and how we treat others.  There are always children (and adults) out their in need of love and mothering.  When I struggled, I looked around at all the children in my life I love.  I made a commitment to love and nurture my beautiful nieces and nephews and the children of my friends I hold dear.  

These tender relationships have grown by leaps and bounds and I love when they wrap their little arms around my body.   

So, I’m having a baby and there are many emotions wrapped around this event.  I’ve learned hard lessons and witnessed beautiful miracles.  I’ve felt overwhelmed only to be carried by loving arms.  I worry and remind myself to give it to God.  This is my path and here I stand tall, only because I’m leaning on so many loved ones who support me and stand by my side.