I wanted a baby

I have a baby; a beautiful baby with dark brown eyes, an adoring smile and the sweetest personality.

So why did I want another baby when I already had a baby?

I’d just returned from New York City, had a publicist who wanted to sign with me and an agent reviewing my manuscript.

I was finally back in my low-rise jeans, feeling just a wink away from cute; something I hadn’t felt in a long time.

I’d nursed an entire year. Surely, I deserved a break.

I’d had 4 babies in 8 years.

Did any of this matter?

No. I didn’t care. I wanted another baby.

Seriously, what was going on?

I went to the counselor, somewhat desperate, hoping he’d talk me out of it.

Surely he’d say, as he tripped over the huge pile of laundry in the living room, “Honey, we’re in way over our heads already. What a ridiculous idea!”

Or “How can we possibly afford another baby right now, with the economy and all the budget cuts!”

I would have agreed with this one. “We already have four boys. You know we’d have another boy.”

But, the counselor didn’t say any of this.

Instead, he took me in his arms and confirmed he felt the same way too.

He wanted another baby.

The counselor and I; so in love with the babies. Really, we just love the whole thing.

So, within a month I was pregnant. I knew it would happen like this. This is how it happened all the other times.

No time to rethink this idea.

It was a done deal.

Now I had to handle the morning sickness.

It came on stronger then ever. The counselor said, “Maybe this time it’s a girl.”

But no, I knew it was a boy. I was thrilled to be having a baby, even a 5^th boy. His name would be Canyon. I already had a few new outfits, baby blue and chocolate brown. Such a cute trend and he would be so loved, so wanted.

I literally read my way through the first 4 months of pregnancy. I layed in bed, Reef and Mayer at my side, and read book after book, novel after novel, the whole time thinking, “This is great training for when I start writing my next YA novel or children’s book.” It was worth it.

I don’t like wasting time and I try to look at the bright side—even when I’m throwing up and getting fat.

The time flew and I was up again; working around the house, cooking dinner once more and chasing my babies.

And wouldn’t you know it, at 22 weeks, during a routine ultra-sound, the word GIRL appeared on the computer screen.

GIRL!

That moment was like my A-ha moment. I said to myself, “I knew it. I knew this baby had to come and she had to be mine.”

It took weeks to sink in. I wondered if maybe the ultrasound tech had made a mistake. Not like I cared, I just wanted a baby. But a girl! A girl for the counselor and me.

I went and purchased my first little outfit, all pink and soft and designer.

I’ve collected ribbons and bows, pink booties and cherry-patterned sleepers. It’s just all so wonderful.

During this pregnancy, I’ve had friends miscarry or suffer with infertility. I worry and wonder why and it makes me sad. I pray for their loss and desire. The older I get, the more I realize what a miracle the whole thing is. Having a baby is such a miracle. Loving a baby is such a blessing.

Pink is the color for me; the color of my flushed puffy cheeks, my swollen ankles and feet and my heart bursting with love. I can’t wait to meet her.